the art of controlled abandon

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2010-03-07T14:58:00.001+08:00

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dreaming in this fever

2010-03-07T14:52:00.000+08:00

I agree there's wisdom in not sleeping past noon; for the most part, it keeps your brain from getting fried. This morning I woke around 10-ish before falling asleep again and having this ridiculous dream that's well, so ridiculous I have to sit and write it down.

So there's this Company Event, right, that features the Big Lady Boss herself. It's massive and company-wide and it's in this theater. So yeah, I overhear somewhere that the Devil's going to gatecrash the thing with his Massive Evil Ritual. (Yes, if you're a fan, it's much like this one.) Naturally, I'm beside myself as to what to do. I overhear Satan trying to convert one of the janitors into his fold in some fire exit by making him swear allegiance. It's strange, and I didn't know what to do with the info.

So yeah, I panic. Crowd starts streaming in. And then some of these demon folks disguised as perfectly normal-looking human beings start coming in through side doors, and I just seem to know they're demon folk, but I can't let on that I know as much so I just tell them as politely as I could to fall in line, and they thankfully do; meanwhile, I try to ask around for security in the side entrances. (Somewhere along the way I run into Julie and assign her to one of the exits. Hi Ate you're fierce that way)

So the thing starts, and we close the doors, but there's more demon folk coming and we can't let them in because letting them in would allow the Devil to start his ritual and that's bad (though it isn't clear to me why it is bad). Some of the janitors try to smuggle them in through huge boxes. It's insane when they start breaking out of them, it's frightening.

(Andrea says I woke up somewhere, told her I was having "a frightening Buffy dream" and then I went back to sleep. I think it's at this point, because I remember being scared, and then being relieved I was awake, and then I remember thinking I wasn't about to leave that dream being scared, so I went back to sleep. Yeah, to continue it. Yeah, I can do that.)

Back in the dream, I call this guy, ask him where he is. Of course he says he's in England. He asks me where I am, I tell him I'm in the Philippines (God this dream is weird) of fucking course, and that Satan's about to do a Massive Evil Ritual.

him: Satan? As in which Satan?
me: Satan as in of the ENTIRE UNDERWORLD.

Then he says it's a pity he wasn't around, but that his kids would know what to do, having been trained and all. True enough, the gang was there, and Willow was preparing these small stones that apparently we could put against the foreheads of these demon folk to kill them, so YAY. Also there: Xander and Cordelia. Wow, this is such a dream.

So there are stones, yeah? I give one to Madam Lady Boss so she can protect herself (of course.) And then I run to Naomi to give her one of the stones (which was strange) and another to Effy, and I'm like, Why are these kids even ~here? Naomi was with another girl, and I apparently did not like her because I did not give her a stone (Read: Fend for yourself, bitch.) Andrea and I are still debating whether I was actually dreaming as Buffy or Emily Fitch.

So yeah, the entire time after is spent running after (take note, not from) these demon folks and hitting them on the forehead with the Magic Stones and well, killing them. They look like normal humans for the most part before turning a shade of red and being demons. It was strange and exciting and admittedly, quite empowering.

(Incidentally - Happy International Women's Day, you folks. Tomorrow, right?)

And then I woke up. We had pizza delivered for lunch and there's still some leftovers for dinner (YAY). I told Andrea all this and she's all very amused and she's the one who told me to sit and write it down before I forget all about it.

That said -- I'm still kind of disappointed nobody was in a cheerleading outfit. Or that there was no random song and dance number. Because really, Glee would have made my demon dream much, much more enjoyable.

and now there are nine

2010-03-05T00:29:00.003+08:00

Okay, the thing is, when Comelec reinstated Nicanor Perlas as eligible to run for president, it took this other guy named Vetallano Acosta with him. Now, I knew Perlas - he's a decent guy, you know, environmentalist and all, quite learned man, but I haven't even HEARD OF Acosta, much less knew that KBL was fielding a presidential candidate. It was obvious right from the start that the goal was to kick erstwhile front-runner Noynoy Aquino out of the top of the alphabetical list of presidential candidates. And so Aquino and his Liberal Party filed a disqualification suit, which the Comelec did uphold... AFTER THE BALLOTS HAVE BEEN PRINTED.

"Since the resolution came after the Comelec has started printing the ballots for the May elections, Acosta's name would still be on the ballot but the votes cast for him would not be counted, said Ferrer." -Comelec dashes Acosta's presidential dream, via Inquirer.net

Jesus Christ, crass move is crass. I mean - COME ON. The guy didn't even put KBL on his COC when he filed it; certainly, there must have been something suspicious there, hmm?

Here's the rest of what Comelec had to say:

Comelec commissioner Nicodemo Ferrer said Acosta was disqualified “for lack of machinery to hold a nationwide campaign” and for not being a duly accepted nominee of the Marcos-led party Kilusang Bagong Lipunan (KBL), whose vice presidential bet is former TV host Jay Sonza.

“Acosta is disqualified (for the presidential race) on the basis that he cannot conduct a nationwide campaign because as it turns out, he is not from KBL as he earlier claimed,” Ferrer said.

“Jay Sonza, his supposed running-mate does not know him or campaign for him because they have never met. He is also absent during political debates because he said he does not want to have enemies and he would leave the campaigning to God,” Ferrer told INQUIRER.net.

... I CAN'T EVEN. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN WITH THIS. *shakes head* Not from KBL as he earlier claimed? Jay Sonza didn't know him? Why didn't anyone say anything sooner?

*BAFFLED*

I mean, come on. Mano man lang ma-finalize yung listahan ng tatakbo for President at Vice. Kahit yun lang. Jusme, less than 20 names. LESS THAN 20 NAMES YOU GUYS.

* * *

Meanwhile, while we were looking elsewhere: There's a search for a Gilbert Teodoro look-alike. Not gonna lie, that has to be a quite good-looking male pageant. (Jusme, the administration standard-bearer is holding a PAGEANT to boost his campaign. So much for, uh, having the government's machinery behind him. Woe.)

reborn into our numbers

2010-03-03T18:16:00.000+08:00

"We hurt you because we love you," says a Lady Master in Lakambini Sitoy's The Sisterhood, one of the short stories off Jungle Planet and Other Stories, which tells of a law student's journey into a nameless sorority in a nameless university.

The thing grips me as it's painfully real - girls together are sometimes the meanest lot, this is the truth. But they're such interesting creatures, aren't they? Like they become this one thing whenever they congregate, and it's impossible to resist the charm of their company, the temptation of their acceptance.

And boys think it's hard being with girls? Try being one.

*

Also, I will not deny being guilty of some form of psychological torture similar to this one - it's not as thorough as depicted in the book, but it's similar, and torture just the same, and the applicants are never right and are always in the middle horrible choices. Looking back, it's all a bit... indulgent. (To quote Simon Cowell) And lazy. Like it couldn't have been done some other way? Like it had to be propagated because this was how the Ones Before Us had done it all along? I understand tradition. To some point, I also enjoyed... I don't know, power? Respect. But these days when I bump into these people I had once subjected to these things - children then, full-grown media workers now - there's a sort of shame. We're all the same now. What was the point of that thing before?

summer 2010: a mixtape

2010-03-01T16:30:00.000+08:00

[download] - via sendspace

Christening the new layout with a mixtape. You know I'm too lazy to write when 1) I'm fiddling with HTML and 2) Putting together mixes. Word up.

Ngl, I've had Freezepop on loop since, uh, forever. Song reminds me of flirting in chlorinated waters. Should be fun. :)

(One of these days, I will be back.)

psa

2010-03-01T00:35:00.002+08:00

Just dropping by to say I am ridiculously in love with this girl.
♥

a quick note on valentine's day, 2010

2010-02-15T16:52:00.004+08:00

There is no sense in loving someone you can never wake up to except by chance. -Jeanette Winterson, The Passion

The girlfriend cooked everything on Valentine's Day; we stayed in and ate heart-shaped pancakes with yogurt and hashbrowns for breakfast, and fusili pasta with bacon, caramelized onions, mushrooms and basil leaves for lunch, and leafy salad in strawberry vinaigrette and sandwiches for dinner, and glasses of really good sparkling red grape juice cocktail from Welch's which is just like wine but better because it's actually carbonated grape juice, which means -- hello, non-alcoholic and ♥

Have I mentioned the heart-shaped brownies made of my favorite chocolates specially baked by an officemate friend? Clearly, I have been pwned this Valentine's Day -- as I have been continuously pwned over and over every single day since Day 1 of this lovely quiet life we've been living.

I love you; I can't stress it enough, and these words are all I have, sometimes.

♥

a weekend of everything that flies

2010-02-15T15:49:00.003+08:00

On Saturday, I went to the 15th Philippine International Hot Air Balloon Fiesta with the girls ♥ (Still, it's Almi's month-long birthday celeb, ho-yay!)

Predictably, we saw... HOT AIR BALLOONS *gasp* \o/

There were... flying beers! (Sino me sabi sa langit, walang beer? Eh ayan o:)

And flying eggs! (This one says, An egg a day is now okay -- um, yeah, because it wasn't before? What?)

Flying cows in barns! (personal favorite, haha)

Eto hindi lumipad, pero nakakaligaya pa rin:

Thanks to these two, our sponsors (hehe):

(I therefore conclude: PIHABF is the new UP Fair.)

momox 2010: a mix

2010-02-11T10:52:00.003+08:00

Presenting... this year's make-out mix. Advanced happy valentine's y'all. ♥

[download]

so.

2010-02-09T23:10:00.001+08:00

So Blogger's shutting down FTP support?

:(

[/dork]

this woman's work

2010-01-12T10:35:00.000+08:00

Tere's mother died yesterday. It was cancer. I never had the pleasure to meet her in happier days; our first time together was in a hospital room in UST a few weeks ago. We didn't even have the chance to speak, but from what I hear she and her daughter are a lot alike, and this means she must have been a rather wonderful woman.

I hate that cancer is taking away all our mothers. I hate that there is no cure. I hate that we don't know where this is all coming from, why it does come around, and how you can stop it from coming.

I have a hard time reconciling, after all these years, how a body that was strong enough to carry me around for nine months and give birth to me and raise me and SURVIVE ALL THAT -- I.

I still just don't get it. =(

the yearend meme

2009-12-31T19:15:00.002+08:00

What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before?
Ah, here's an easy one. For our 25th monthsary in October I sent a bouquet of roses to Andrea; i was in cahoots with her officemates. I'd never sent her flowers before, and well. That went rather well. :) Also - hiked up a mountain in April! Pinatubo was AMAZING.

Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I've only been successful in keeping one New Year's resolution and I got it right after only so many years, in 2008, when I managed to keep myself off cigarettes. I have to renew that, since we're looking at a rather eventful year, so. Yeah let's do this! :)

Did anyone close to you give birth?
Oh college friends Jopai and Alloy had a lovely boy this year ♥

Did anyone close to you die?
This year's a year for deaths. Cory Aquino's death in August was rather important to me.

What countries did you visit?
Oh, stayed put for the most part, then went to some parts of RP when the weather was ok. Visited a few beaches, hiked up a few mountains, went to Iloilo, etc.

What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
Oh man. TIME. I'd like to have more time to do everything! Energy's not a question, I'm pretty sure, but I'd really love to have ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD - for the elections, for the Read-Along, for my family, for Andrea, for my friends - there's a lot to give, really.

What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
July 23, which was the date of Andrea's accident (oh god never scare me like that again, Universe); Sept 26, which is my brother's birthday and well, we all remember Ondoy; Nov 23, which is 1ce's birthday and unfortunately also the date of the Maguindanao massacre :(

What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Keeping it together :)

What was your biggest failure?
I think to some degree I've been absent from family events like weddings; I have yet to master the gentle art of striking a good balance and pacing myself. Maybe 2010's that year.

Did you suffer illness or injury?
Middle of the year I had a brief thing involving coughing and colds, but apart from that, none too many. I am thankful :)

What was the best thing you bought?
Oh this year was full of gadget purchases - there's Panda my pink netbook, this E71, and well, Andrea's latest gadget-present :)

Whose behavior merited celebration?
Oh, hands down, it's Andrea. :) This year has been pretty tough for her mostly -- there was the Accident in July that I have yet to write about and process myself, and a few other personal issues -- but really, I've never seen anyone get over adversity so positively and gracefully :) I love you, you inspire me ♥

Close runner-ups: Both my siblings, who graduated from elementary and college early this year, and are in the middle of important life changes :)

And as always, my team, with whom no task has been insurmountable. ♥

Whose behavior appalled you and made you depressed?
Oh, well there's that. People have their reasons to hold onto grudges; I don't have them. :)

Where did most of your money go?
FOOD. Haha. Well, there's the rent and FOOD. :)

What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Skins and Glee. :)

What song/s will always remind you of 2009?
Oh my god, this. Party in the USA by Miley Cyrus and The Call by the Backstreet Boys (don't ask)

Compared to this time last year, are you:

a. Happier or sadder? Happier
b. Thinner or fatter? Fatter (hahahah is this a valid question)
c. Richer or poorer? Richer :)

What do you wish you'd done more of?
BEACHING. Haha. Partying. Reading and writing.

What do you wish you'd done less of?
LOL worrying. Dreaming of work. Also: Drinking.

How will you be spending Christmas?
Spent the eve with family, playing uno stacko and pusoy dos with my siblings while drinking red wine. Spent christmas day at work :)

Did you fall in love in 2009?
Oh, over and over, with the girl I always see first thing in the morning :)

What was your favorite TV program?
for TV, we have Katorse and Lipgloss. LOLLLLL, no, I loved Glee and Skins !!!

Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Ah, no. Hate's a strong word, I love everyone in my life right now :)

What was the best book you read?
This year, definitely Joan Didion's The Year of Magical Thinking :)

What was your greatest musical discovery?
PASSION PIT. OMG PASSION PIT. <3

What did you want and get?
Ahaha plenty :) New friends! New books! :)

What did you want and not get?
I can't think of anything. Life's been good.

Favorite film of this year?
Kimmy Dora, HANDS DOWN! :D (Yes, it trumps 500 days of Summer)

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Oh three days ago, I turned 25. Spent it with family, eating all day and taking lots of pictures. It was classic and awesome.

What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Oh, wow. I just wish we'd had less deaths, you know.

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
Flood-ready. Haha.

What kept you sane?
My girlfriend. My fabulous workmates. :) Twitter! Haha :)

Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Oh jeez. I have the biggest crush on Lily Loveless, ngl.

What political issue stirred you the most?
The Maguindanao massacre. The series of calamities. Ladlad getting disqualified in the elections. The run-up to the May 2010 elections.

Who did you miss?
Oh, as always, mom.

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.
Love what you do and do what you love. The rest would come easy. :)

Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
Nodding my head like yeaaaaaah, moving my hips like yeaaaaahhhh ♥

The most touching experience you've had this year?
We did a Read-Along at the Philippine School for the Deaf in Pasay and they prayed by singing Lead me Lord in sign language. Sight had me in tears.

What did you like most about yourself this year?
My endurance and flexibility.

What did you hate most about yourself this year?
My inability to pace myself properly LOL

Was 2009 a good year for you?
At the end of everything - yes, it was. :)

twenty-oh-nine, you were mine

2009-12-31T14:21:00.001+08:00

Oh 2009 was such a year, wasn't it?

So. It's officially the last day of the 0-something years; let's do this yearender thing, shall we:

Jan 2009
Watched: Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist
Bought: Panda (A pink Acer Aspire One, my first real possession, after my cellphone)

February 2009
Watched: Lipgloss -- 18:56 POTA TINAKONG! best lipgloss moment everrr See also: Summary of Lipgloss Season 2 ender, in twitter.
Watched: You Changed My Life (John Lloyd/Sarah G!)

March 2009
Lost: Francis Magalona, 44; USB drive, 2 years old.
Went to: Crystal Beach in Zambales.
Saw/Flailed over: Bleighton Rolling Stone photoshoot
Feature family-related significant milestone: Wy's elementary grad
Feature media obsessions: Tegan and Sara (The Con! Nineteen!), Azure Ray (Sleep! Displaced!)
Read: Joan Didion's The Year of Magical Thinking
Wrote: A season of formers, which took all of six months, sans editing.

April 2009
Went to: Pinatubo, Bataan tryst for holy week, Laiya with le familia and Andrea
Things I discovered in 2009 that I'd love to have more of in 2010: Skins!
On the news: Failon wife shooting
Survived also: Andrea's Thailand trip
Feature family-related significant milestone: Krista's university grad
Feature media obsession: Rachael Yamagata, Elephants... Teeth Sinking into Heart (OMFG HEARTBREAKING.)
Wrote: Footnotes to a Mixtape, which is set in an all-girls high school basketball team and is actually to Barbie's music from the buffet table (Belinda Bye-bye, Shiny Red Balloon, etc); Displaced, which reeks of failed stalkery.

May 2009
Went to: My father's hometown, Iloilo, Manila Ocean Park
Feature media obsessions: Bloc Party (Signs, Sunday, This Modern Love), Broken Social Scene (Superconnected, Anthems for a 17-year-old girl, I'm still your fag), Lady Gaga (I wanna take a ride on your disco stick haha), Katy Perry (Thinking of you ♥)
Watched: 30 rock
Classic sabaw moments: Maggi MySabaw, Literal version of Total Eclipse of the heart

June 2009
Read: Joshua Ferris' Then we came to the end, Letters to a Young Poet by Rilke
Feature family-related significant milestone: End of lease, maginhawa apartment, Wy moving out of the house and into the Pisay dorm
Feature sabaw moment: Getting stuck in a tricycle in shopwise amidst a downpour
News: AH1N1, ANC Leadership Forum
Watched: Hole in the Wall (TV), Pineapple Express, Tropic Thunder
Feature media obsessions: Third Eye Blind (The Background, Blinded, God of Wine), Passion Pit (Sleepyhead, Eyes as candles, Little secrets), Sexmusic.tumblr, a moment with Lily Loveless on Twitter - the zenith of my fangirling, this skins gif:

Lost: Michael Jackson, RIP.
Feature event: k1 reunion

July 2009
Feature media obsession: Counting Crows (the entire August and Everything After album = HEARTBREAK), Explosions in the Sky, Au Revoir Borealis
News: SONA 2009
Significant milestone: Epic move to Ate Adelle's room
Things I learned so much from but would rather not go through again in 2010: Andrea's accident (never again EVER)
Watched: Harry Potter 6
Lost: Tara Santelices

August 2009
Lost: Former President Corazon Aquino, RIP
Feature media obsession: Anberlin (Breathe, Retrace, Breaking -- off their "New Surrender" album), the paper raincoat (Brooklyn Blurs! ♥), something corporate (konstantine)

September 2009
News: Palanca Awards -- LOL ELIZA ♥
Blast from the past: High school reunion
Feature milestone: 24 months/2nd anniversary ♥ ♥ ♥
Watched: Kimmy Dora (HANDS DOWN THE FUNNIEST MOVIE THIS YEAR), Temptation Island, 500 days of Summer (which I liked)
Things I learned so much from but would rather not go through again in 2010: Ondoy
Things I discovered in 2009 that I'd love to have more of in 2010: Glee!

October 2009
Lost sleep over: PLANTS VS ZOMBIES; see also: Maps of dams.
Watched: Dr Horrible's Sing Along Blog, Techyromantics
Read: Blue Bloods, End of the Alphabet
Plotted: The Surprise.
Wrote: Mnemonics (Arguably the best thing I came up with this year.)
Feature media obsession: Mazzy Star (Fade into You)
Significant milestones: Haircut, Comelec registration, Andrea winning the Gig book contest - ♥

November 2009
Lost: 57 people in the Maguindanao massacre
Feature media obsession: Party in the USA, Kings of Convenience (Gold in the Air of Summer)
A rare moment of sentimentality: The Art of Precarious Photographs
Bought: A red Nokia E71.
Read: Anne Lamott's Bird by Bird, Erica Jong's Seducing the Demon, Joan Didion's Slouching Towards Bethlehem.
Watched: KATY PERRY LIVE OMFG. ♥

December 2009
Bought: A present . ♥
Partied: Inquirer's anniversary party on the 9th; editorial party on the 22nd.
Feature media obsessions: Augustana (rediscovering Boston off their All the Stars and Boulevards album - ♥), Something Corporate (She paints me Blue off their "North" album makes me feel like a giddy 17-year-old boy with a crush, ffs), John Mayer (Edge of Desire off the "Battle Studies" album - JFC HOT), Paolo Nutini (Rewind, off the These Streets album), Sara Bareilles' Gravity remix in her Careful Confessions album; Jack's Mannequin (What Gets you Off in their Glass Passenger album - JFC HOT), and that piano version of Sleepyhead by Passion Pit *swoon*
Significant events: Christmas, New Year with the family ♥ turning 25.

Well, that was strangely cathartic, and I know I missed a LOT of things, heh, pardon my memory. We're gearing up for a big 2010 - be safe guys! Happy New Year! :)

ETA:
THE MASHUP TO END ALL MASHUPS, 2009:

christmas, 2009.

2009-12-25T18:59:00.002+08:00

My parents agreed to come for me yesterday, but then our pickup truck chose that moment for its yearly breakdown. Last year, I remember the engine conking out on Skyway, while we were paying the toll. So, definitely luckier this year that we were still in the Inquirer parking lot when it happened. LOL. Ended up taking the 16-year-old (!!!) Lite Ace from somewhere along C-5, where my uncle and his family were spending Christmas. Ah, family.

Speaking of that, this was what I got them for Christmas (yes, all of them):

LOL. My family = adorbs, GOD. I left around noontime and by the time I was in the office, this was already up at Krista's tumblr. LOL FOREVER. Don't you just love family?

Anyway, spent most of last night hanging out with the sibs, playing uno stacko (27 LEVELS! WTF CRAZY!) and cards until about 4 a.m., while playing an assortment of Taylor Swift, Lady Gaga and Katy Perry songs; Party in the USA was also on loop for some time. Heh. I was drinking Dad's red wine, for the lack of anything resembling alcohol in the house (Maybe New Year's, then.)

All in all, Christmas well-spent. :)

a present to end all other presents

2009-12-14T15:39:00.002+08:00

Oh man, this Christmas rush is precious. Nothing says Christmas like these aching limbs. :)

*

So the other day I was walking along Mascardo when I saw these children running around carrying kittens in their hands. No, really, I mean, a kitten in each hand. So that's four children with EIGHT kittens. Or maybe more. Judging by how they were running, I suppose it's a catnap or something.

When I was a kid, we couldn't find kittens we could steal. This is sad, of course.

*

I am praying for you.

*

So I finished (after ten yearrrsssss) Anne Lamott's Bird by Bird and man it is AWESOME. Which is not to say I am back to writing, because I'm not LOL. Instead, I am reading another writing guide-book-whatever, and it's Erica Jong's Seducing the Demon. Yes, she's that girl who coined the phrase, zipless fuck. It will be amazing, I KNOW.

*

Here, have a panda:

OH MY HEART MY HEART ♥

*

Also: GUYS! You know what you should do this season when you have enough time off for it:

REWATCH GLEE 1 to 13. ♥

*

This entirely nonsequitur entry is brought to you by... the present that will end all the others. (smile)

when you do not have enough words for this rage

2009-11-25T18:44:00.003+08:00

We are no longer who we were before Monday. Even in the annals of political violence in the Philippines, there have been no parallels to the slaughter that occurred on the lonely road to Shariff Aguak, Maguindanao on November 23.

52 unarmed civilians all, the majority of whom were media professionals, the victims were enroute to perform basic functions in a civilized democracy: the Mangudadatu women were to file certificates of candidacy; the lawyers were to provide legal advice; and the journalists were to bear witness on behalf of the public and to report on an important event without fear or favor. - Statement of GMA Network on the Maguindanao massacre

Here's the Inquirer's partial list of victims.

We haven't even entered election season properly, and yet here it is. I've never seen so many journalists killed in a single day in all my years of monitoring killings among media workers.

It is chilling to know that somewhere in this country, there are people who could do such savagery. Fifty-seven people. Who does something like that?

work and play, together

2009-11-12T09:53:00.003+08:00

I am reading Anne Lamott's "Bird by Bird", as generously loaned to us by Kat during last night's Amazing Book Swap with Eliza and at 6750 Starbucks. Whew. That was a fun time, gals. Should do it again. I love listening to girls gush about books - although I have to admit I'm a ridiculously slow reader and this really does fill me with much shame. I am still in the middle of A.M. Homes' "Music for Torching" because I've been finding it quite difficult to read about the couple at the center of things, and yet I am completely in love with her language. Just saying.

*

Incidentally, today is also my mother's 12th year death anniversary. Which is important to me because this marks a sort of border. I was twelve when she died. Next year, I will have spent more years without her than with her. All daughters must remember these sorts of things.

Anyway. Last night my sister texted to inform me that there's a small get-together in the house today with food and all. I won't be there for the nth time. Every year I sit down to do something like a memorial post of sorts for Mom on this day I always start by asking myself, Where the F was I last year?

So I'm doing myself a favor, though this won't be evident until this day next year: Today I am reading another book about writing. This morning I woke to the sound of the girl I'm totally in love with fixing her breakfast. I am looking forward to getting to the office and working with people I like. I just realized I play Plants vs Zombies because it makes me feel like a child -- unlike banks and billing statements and meetings, which make me feel old/my age (and which I do a lot of also).

And I really really like pandas.

Anyway, that being said, I hope everyone's having a swell Thursday. ♥

the art of precarious photographs

2009-11-02T02:14:00.001+08:00

i. The case for not taking photographs: They are always there

Here, one sees: Two definitely drunk girls, faces beside each other, so close their cheeks nearly touch. I remember when this was taken: On the very first night we went out, the one where we end up closing the establishment at 4 a.m., with too much alcohol in our veins and nicotine in our lungs. In another, one sees: A lukewarm can of beer half buried in the sand. In another: Someone sprawled by the beach, mid-afternoon sun painful on skin. In another: The careless laugh of someone looking the other way. In another: Someone passing between the camera and the subject by accident, mouth formed in the middle of the word “Oops.” In another: The silhouette of a boy lighting a cigarette.

Here, one sees: The smile of someone on the receiving end of a surprise. Over here: The eagerness of a hungry diner, seconds before the utensils touch the plate. There: The soft color of flowers reflected upon the face of a lover. Over here: The closed eyes of someone intently listening to music. There: The split-second before fingertips touch. Here: That moment before waking.

The thing about photographs is that they are always there; they care little about notions of pasts and presents. They’re just there to say, once upon a time, this was here – people wore these clothes, these horrible haircuts and pants and shoes; people used to be this small and thin; people still felt this way, thought this way – were this way.

That people change is not my problem, neither is the fact that certain changes cause certain sorts of photographs to cease production; though it cannot be helped at all, how it’s always the permanent snapshots of things now gone that get me, always (See also: An ID photo of my mother, 12 years younger, had she been aging all that while).

Photographs do little for efforts toward forgetting, but then again, why would anyone in the midst of such efforts even stray into these albums? When they say it’s by accident, the cardinal rule is to not believe anything they say and hit them hard.

ii. The case for not taking photographs: Because sometimes, the memory of it is enough.

Because I have long resigned myself that it will never come again. That sometimes there is no take two. That sometimes when something is over, it just is.

iii. The case for not taking photographs: Because sometimes, it is better to not leave any trace of it.

Because perhaps all of it should stay between you and me. Perhaps secrets are better kept in the absence of evidence. Perhaps the Polaroid of you in my head is the best I’ll ever have.

*

iv. The case for taking photographs: They are always there

How many times have I heard people say: It was windy when we met and I fell in love with a snapshot of you and your windswept hair across your face, the dainty fibers casting all those pretty shadows. I have kept that picture all these years, in a secret pocket of my wallet; or, My screensaver is that blurry shot of you dancing, the other night.

Or: You and me, we look good together against a backdrop of itchy-ticklish bermuda. Or: I take a photograph of you every day, while you’re sleeping. Or: I know I don’t live here anymore when you always take your camera out on weekends I come to visit; I have a special smile for these rare photographs you take.

Unless it’s the sort of thing you do for a living, photograph people in horrible situations (and even then, unless it’s your sort of thing to hang them around the house for constant viewing), chances are when you look at people in photographs they are smiling; to a degree, it’s comforting, this way. If it’s the last thing I’ll take of you, I’d rather you be happy. (If it’s the last thing of us together.)

v. The case for taking photographs: Because sometimes, I can’t have enough of you.

Because on some nights I stay up and think about this particular smile; on other nights, that particular gesture. Sometimes, when I close my eyes, it’s not dark I see but you, and it is nice, this permanent Polaroid behind my eyelids.

vi. The case for taking photographs: Because sometimes, it’s all there is.

Sometimes, wherever I look, there you are, and oftentimes, I can hardly breathe.

*

vii. The art of precarious photographs

Sometimes I wish I (never) took photographs of us (in the first place).
Sometimes I wish I was (not) around for photographs (in the first place).

*

I take photos of you half to capture that moment, half to be able to relive it at will: The sight of you standing on top of an air vent or biting into a chicken enthusiastically or covering your face as you laugh; you against a backdrop of feathery clouds and bright blue skies. We move so fast and sometimes there are moments we miss, moments that go by so quickly we barely have time for process, moments we want to have lasted a few moments longer.

(You’re always the moment I want to last forever.)

a list of things

2009-11-02T00:34:00.002+08:00

things that are bad for me:
+ plants vs zombies - can burn hours without you knowing it
+ facebook - contains photographs new and old

things that are good for me:
+ livejournal - i am in love with my new layout
+ tumblr - a happy place

today we went to my mother's grave. i overwrote my mother's name with golden pentel pen. totally the highlight of this vacation. that and my cousin mark's awesome adobo.

santi

2009-10-31T15:10:00.003+08:00

This morning, I woke around 6 a.m. to the sound of howling winds; as expected, Typhoon Santi passed over Metro Manila quickly, but not without its promised strong winds (we were under Signal No. 3 as of last night) and some rain. A few minutes later, power went out. We assumed the winds had toppled some important electric posts.

Opening the window around 10 a.m., we saw a curious sight: The neighbor's roof was full of styrofoam boxes. We're still wondering where they came from.

Right now it's still quite cloudy, and we're still on our toes re: strong rains tonight. Since Ondoy last September, it feels like we're on eternal storm watch. You know something's up when you connect to the Internet for the purpose of getting weather updates on Twitter, the latest satellite map from Pagasa and a status update for dams in Luzon - in that order.

*

On other news, I'm looking forward to visiting my mother's grave tomorrow; will be praying for good weather.

Also, all this news calling for Comelec to extend voters' registration -- I think, on the upside, at least A LOT of people are looking forward to voting on May 2010? Just a thought.

summary of this day

2009-10-28T15:24:00.006+08:00

or, alternatively, a last ditch attempt at responsible citizenship

today, 3 days before voter registration deadline. by virtue of missing the 2007 midterm elections and the 2007 barangay elections, i was deactivated as a voter, therefore i need to reactivate myself if i want to vote in may.

so.

6 a.m.: alarm goes off. i get up, fix coffee, take a bath, get dressed, head out.

6:45 a.m.: arrival at makati police headquarters (ayala extension, beside makati fire station) for police clearance. i need this because i don't have an ID that has my new makati address on it (i've been living in makati since july 2007 - 2 years, 3 months. At least 6 months of residence before May 2010 makes anyone eligible to vote in an area, fyi.) i pick up a form, fill it out, submit it to the manong on duty. i am ninth in the queue. this makes me very happy.

9 a.m.: time served/processed.

9:20 a.m.: time processing ends.

9:40 a.m.: time police clearance received.

*

the makati comelec office is on the second floor of the makati fire station, fyi. however, when i got there, i was told that they were no longer releasing forms and that i should head to glorietta 4.

so i did.

*

10 a.m.: time of arrival, glorietta 4.

2 p.m.: time of registration end. (including an hour-long lunch break, that i spent in my seat, reading.)

*

madali lang magparehistro. mabilis lang siya dahil organized kahit napakaraming tao. kudos to the policemen who were actually very helpful. :) kasalanan ko na i waited this long to make up my mind about where to vote, pero di ba, konting tiyaga lang, voila! walang singitan, walang sigawan.

pwede!

*

this afternoon in glorietta while i was waiting in line in Step 2 (when you already have your form), this girl from UP who has already finished her registration process was walking around helping people fill up their forms. she says she's paying it forward. it's a shame i didn't get your name, but girl, mabuhay ka! :)

geocities is dead

2009-10-27T10:30:00.002+08:00

long live geocities! d. oct 26, 2009

i discovered geocities in 1999, when i first started dabbling into web publishing. my very first website was a compilation of musings. i was fifteen. i used ms paint and netscape navigator's composer (mirc. icq. 15-hour-per-month postpaid internet accounts. edsamail.) i feel so ancient it hurts haha.

i've got everything backed up in CDs strewn all over the place - the website i put up for my high school friends (1999), ajss (2000), yeba (2001). 5 versions of my personal website, including one that housed all of my submissions for my erotica class (!!!).

from this day onward, they are now inaccessible, save for the yeba websites, which i moved to my personal domain a few years ago.

sigh. i'm actually quite relieved that my earlier efforts at webdesign are now off the internet -- i didn't have the heart to erase them, but they were absolutely hideous LOL. but yeah, i loved them dearly, and now they're gone. (except in CDs, which i think i will unearth later tonight in a bout with nostalgia.)

geocities, it's been quite a ride. thank you!

things that have been eating my life so far

2009-10-25T02:06:00.004+08:00

1) last thursday, we marked 25 months together, and thinking it should be a milestone, i sent flowers and cake to her office address, in conspiracy with her immediate supervisor and other officemates.

i must say, for somebody who absolutely sucks when it comes to surprises, that one went pretty well. to wit:

(photos taken from Becky's facebook. thank you so much!)

2) plants vs zombies. enough said.

3) onslaught of typhoons, floods, natural calamities. at the work front, it's been pretty hectic since ondoy hit the country on sept. 26. fact: i've spent the past few weeks dreaming about maps of rivers and dams. once, i dreamt someone was asking me about the location of the ambuklao dam, and i woke up with "itogon, benguet" on my lips. i kid you not. sometimes, i take my job way too seriously.

4) glee. gossip girl.

i miss my words. a lot. lately it's been all about relief drives and dams and the Read-Along (incidentally -- another Quill award this year. yeah.) i wish i had more time to sit down for fiction, but lately, idk. words and i are just NOT friends.

and i've been spending far too much time singing an old song by the backstreet boys with my workmates. not that *that*'s a bad thing, but, you know. i mean, just this evening, in the aftermath of a rather splendid night out with them, we were operating on very little sleep that we ended up just laughing ENDLESSLY over, um, virtually nothing. idk, but what's up with that? :) it's awesome, really.

as for other things. wait, there are no other things. unless of course we're referring to pandas. in which case: PANDAS ARE AWESOME, OK?

♥

supposing,

2009-09-21T00:28:00.000+08:00

it's all been said before:
girl stumbles upon girl's journal; girl stalks girl;
girl finds common friends; girl tries to get closer; girl asks girl out to group dates;
girl asks for girl's cell phone number; girl texts girl every single day,
keeps up with the randomicity,
wakes up early to catch girl's texts as she walks out of their house in the morning on her way to work, something about the blueness of the sky, or the sound of birds;
texts every 4 p.m. to remind girl to breathe; (every 4 p.m. - it takes only so many days to form a habit)
texts every night to ask about girl's day;
keeps up with girl's journal; tries not to overanalyze.

supposing, it's all been said before:
how girl falls in love with girl--
it's the slightest gestures,
the off-topic questions,
the sparkly flashes that make their way between the words.

it's all been said before, how we got here, but i guess it's always worth re-telling:
one night, i started writing love letters again, after a long time.
you were a moment's message away, but the distance was there, more than ever before; it was august. at the time i had no idea how close i was to breaking.
(i should have known, actually, granted i was writing letters again at the back of marlboro labels; that night there were ashes on the floor from one too many fags)

it's no secret, how four years prior to that day, septembers had been particularly filled with a sort of dread. (i wouldn't call them mistakes; just that i remember them pretty well.)
the night before the morning after, i slipped
into bed alongside you, holding your hand under the sheets, trying to watch tv.

supposing it can be said then,
that the rest of it's history, well, let me put it this way, instead:
the day after and the days after that are more than i could ever have hoped for
to contain within a heart this small.

i guess in the end that's all i really want to say.

monday dorkage

2009-08-17T13:12:00.002+08:00

oh wow, it's been quite a while since i last sat down and just dorked. heh. felt good. maybe a change in layout is due around here, in the first place (it has been raining like crazy, and it's hardly summer anymore, yeah?). but in the meantime, i added december 2006 and january 2007 in the old blog backup and right now, i'm looking at coding a pretty prolific year. \o/

on other news, the girlfriend's lj is looking pretty ~sweet today. YEAH.

still, on other news: i am digging anberlin's new surrender album. god i thought i've moved on from this kind of music, but. heh. don't judge me.