Archive for July, 2007

the art of moving

Monday, July 30th, 2007

i moved out of quezon city and into makati, how could there not be an entry?

Most of the time, I am prone to generalize when it was I had started ‘living’ – as if my life did not really start when I was born 22 years ago.
 
Before, I used to say my life began in high school, when my mother died. When I still thought freedom was about getting to decide your own haircut or choosing your own clothing or put simply, being free from my mother’s instructions and expectations. I think, honestly, that anyone who had been 15 once would agree. High school was a time when going to malls in your uniform was a risk and getting your parents to say yes to a summer outing at the end of the year with your class was an achievement in itself.
 
Since I graduated from college though, I became more prone to thinking my life began when I entered college in UP. I was sixteen then, when I moved out of our Cavite home and thrust myself into the willing bosom of the premiere State University alone. It was, in many ways, the start of several things – vice, awakenings and heartbreaks, in not at all mutually exclusive piles.

Who knows though, maybe five years from now, I would start thinking differently again.

But for the time being, this is what is true – Quezon City would always be, for me, that place where I first lived on my own.

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the art of after

Monday, July 16th, 2007

it’s unusually quiet where i’m seated now.

not that having ate chona and ate maricar around usually adds to the decibels, really. most of the time, they’re pretty quiet too.

but i guess, there’s just a certain “noise” that a warm body adds to a cold office this small. could it be the breathing, or the shuffling of feet, or the rustling of papers between fingers, hands? the occasional laugh, the creak of seats rolling on floors, the sound of skin being slapped or hit, the shriek, the groan after?

perhaps.

there’s just something. there’s the way this office around us has become unusually larger, like it’s expanding underneath our soles, the aircon extra cold. i removed my corkboard last friday, as if to emphasize, when i look a little to the right there’s nobody there.

of course, this is heartbreaking, but what else is there to do? i remember that night they told me they were leaving - the saturday group’s going to be dissolved, was how they phrased it. i had said, “i don’t think i get what you’re trying to tell me.”

i did - deep inside, i did, but then, the first defense is denial. and then, “how can you do this to me? this is so much for a single heart to handle.”

but then, you know how it goes - you do it day by day, the accepting.

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androgyny

Monday, July 16th, 2007

man, we keep on outdoing ourselves with these despedidas no?

and so now we become scorching hot and confusing. god i have the handsomest girl friends in this office. if this is the only way i could get you into those hot hot polos and neckties and blazers and suspenders, i’d gladly wear corsets and gowns every. single. day.

okay, maybe not every day, but you know what i mean.

ohgods

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you’re so gonna need chestpads for that

Friday, July 13th, 2007

so, what have i been up to lately?

goalie

seriously? yeah.

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gaps and disconnects

Sunday, July 1st, 2007

I’ve been out of sorts these past few days, a bit too unwell to properly function. Unserviceable by virtue of illness I must have gotten while at Fete de la Musique the other weekend in Malate. This is my body turning against itself, to borrow liberally from Winterson.

But really, the light drizzle that night was not entirely at fault – I had this coming, and I hadn’t been sick in a long while. This was my body waiting to implode – too many late nights spent planning surprises and goodbyes, mostly. Too much nicotine and beer but too little sleep.

Let it be known that I blame this entry on the full moon.

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